Beauty Stopped in Time...I had a great dream last night... It was about her, my love, the beauty stopped in time... lost in time, the details are extensive and one had to live them... yes one of those dreams that composes the word in its whole magnitude, dreams as something I dreamt while asleep with all is fantastic and creative power and dreams as something I sought for in my waking days with all it's pain, it's endurance and it's passion.
It happened about a century ago, I was riding with this gentleman, out of time... as in many dreams I had special abilities, special attributions, and I was riding with him, as in dreams, details are confusing and changing, but the feeling is pure... real... this man seemed to have over me the power and influence of my father, but he was a stranger... a loved stranger, we were searching for something, something important for those times. It was around 1921, women dressed on their corsets and large dresses, railroads been built, beggars on the streets, gentlemen in their suits, both the glamor and the dirtiness of all was captured on the street... that is when he saw her... se crossed the street, a beautiful lady... a beauty which is not seen only with the eyes but a beauty which accompanies the heart, which blinds the senses, one that at it's first contact arises emotions... but her eyes... that expression on her eyes... she had a timeless expression, a hidden worry, a hidden problem, something which i would understand until it was too late.
After seeing her he froze, he was in his mid 60's, me... in my late 20's, the lady was 23... he froze... his expression too became lost in time, in some memory of old, he immediately entered that world, that state, lost in that world, he instinctively followed her. I spoke to him in a cautious way, probing into the mysterious situation, he started telling me the story about them... now that I'm awake and i remember it... it gives me the chills, yes even my body feels the power of it... remembers the power of it, since it was a dream our communication was not limited by language, so instead of explaining in words he sent me his emotions, a story that was told though emotions, images, memories, everything combined... it still gives me the chills... their love... such power, their story... unbounded love, hatred, glorious moments, treason, it was all there , the strongest emotions I had ever seen... I had ever felt...
We followed her a while, as spectators, watching an old movie... an old memory stuck in time, her routine, her face... she was with a man, she was in pain, suffering because of that man, she was so beautiful, I had to protect her, she was so fragile... so beautiful, I could not allow her any more pain... before noticing, I too fell out of time, out of space... I entered her world... yes, now I can distinguish one from the other... now that I'm awake... but I didn't at that time... It was a dream wasn't it? I fell into that scene, into that world.
Now i was in the scene, now I was that man, the man that made her suffer, but all I wanted was to protect her, to love her, to cure her pain, to go back to the moments of laughter, the moments of joy, of unbounded love I had seen... I had felt, but she was in pain, she was suffering terribly, I did all I could to save her, to protect her... it was my dream, it was my choice! I changed my surroundings, grabbed her tight and flew away with her (as we used to do in our waking hours), flew far away, destroyed the world and rebuilt a new one, in order to see her smile again, I changed everything... I was sure it was enough, it had to be, she would be able to smile again, smile for me... smile together... but when the new world started to emerge, when I started recovering my senses after doing such an extraordinary feat... it was then when I saw it... when I realized it... when I understood... she was there standing besides me... I was still holding her, It was her yes... the one I had sworn to protect, the woman I loved without bounds... but there was someone else... yes it was the girl that I had seen before, the one whom my companion loved in another time, in another century, and it was the same girl that was with that other man... the one that made her suffer...
And there it hit me... with all the force of truth in a dream, of a realization of something so big so sad... so... so indescribable, the woman that I loved, the one for which I destroyed everything and for whom I built a new world... she was a woman lost in time, an endless repetition of the same scene, of the same life, all what I had felt, all what I had lived... loved, all that was me being pulled into that scene... the same scene that the gentleman had lived... the same that that other man was living... thats why she was 23 and he was in his 60's... that's why she had that look... that timeless expression... yes she was lost in time, a scene repeating itself again and again, awaiting travelers to pass by and fall into the illusion... yes... I understand what it was now... yes... I understand, but understanding it does not erase the memories, the emotions... does not erase my love for her, my desire to smile together again... but I understand it's just an illusion played continuously in time, the script can't be changed, her expression remains the same... somebody that suffers because of that man.
An so I became like that other gentleman... always wanting to go back to that illusion, but knowing that it's just that... knowing I cant make her happy, knowing it will keep playing continuously in time... endlessly... and she will always have that look in her face... she will always be sad, she will always suffer because of him... and I... and I... I am left without hope, knowing that it cant be changed, knowing that my most precious memories were part of an illusion... and always wanting to stop her pain, to make her happy, like watching the same movie over and over again and hoping, dreaming... wishing that the end would change, and basing my own happiness on that change... but I cant help it... I cant help it, I want to see her smile, feel that she's mine again... what a beautiful dream... and what a terrible life.
Sendai June 13, 2007 4:30am
Ali, Lemus.
